Tick the Thick-witted


By Kunle Ajao

So, a few days ago, our president decided to give an order over endangering our safety and security as regards voting. And that’s what it is, a danger, sorry, threat, to our safety and security. No matter how we try to explain it. No matter how we try to sugar-coat or repackage the load of bullshit thrown at us. No matter how we try to defend it. It’s a threat to our safety and security.

Which leads to the second, and most important, point here; we’re idiots. Yes you, are an idiot. Just like I am, just like the person beside you. We are nothing but idiots. Why are we idiots? Lol, aren’t you baffled.

We’re idiots because we try to spin this off as a good thing. Because we pathological defendants of an autocrat regime wearing democracy’s tattered and discarded clothes see this as a ‘respect’ for our franchise. Because we invoke the mantra of ‘if you won’t steal ballot box, why are you worried’. File that with; ‘she asked to be raped by wearing that dress’, ‘I can’t be racist if I have black friends’, and ‘I’m not homophobic, but I just don’t think two guys kissing is okay’ into the cabinet of bullshit.

We’re idiots because some of us are from a tertiary institution where we protested the administration denying the students of necessary welfare, but we see giving trigger-happy larkeys a shoot-on-sight access as a positive. Because some of us try to tell us that we don’t understand English language, that we don’t fully grasp what the president. Thanks for that. Very helpful. Should I announce that when I’m accidentally shot or after?

We’re idiots because we think those who will steal ballot boxes, those brave enough to steal ballot boxes, won’t come prepared, hence the result is a shoot-out that claims innocent casualties. Because we think those supposedly placed to perform such deeds, particularly after hearing this, won’t be armed as well.

We’re idiots because we think finding a safer way to conduct elections isn’t better than shooting prospective defaulters and ruining said elections. Because we can’t think of any other option to have a half-decent election other this ticking time-bomb waiting to explode. Yes, we want to fight legality with illegality. Nice speech, dunce.

We’re idiots because we refuse to act on this. Because we’ll complain about this and do nothing else. Because we don’t recognise that we are the ones with power. That we could easily pull a stunt like ‘alright, we’re not coming out to vote’. Because we don’t realise that we’re in charge and we hold their greedy political fates in our fists, no matter how much they’ve done to tell us otherwise.

We’re idiots because we don’t realise there’s a rule of law. Because we don’t really realise what taking a human life, lawfully and morally, really means. Again, don’t try to spin this off and quote some indirect ripple effect.

We’re idiots because those with the social responsibility and the task of seeing the administration being put in check are as useful as ‘ueue’. Because those who are supposed to really talk more about this don’t care.

You can call the above whatever you want. A rant by a bitter individual who doesn’t English, the law or politics. A deluded set of words by a pseudo-utopian who’ll also forget about this if he ever gets to such position of authority. A self-serving hypocrite who’ll eventually do nothing. I may be none of those things, one of those things, or all of those things.

But this isn’t about what I am. Not even about what solutions we should proffer, or actions we should take. This is simply about what we are. NOTHING BUT FUCKING IDIOTS.


What Would My Vagina Say?

If you are a woman reading this, I want you to pause and ask yourself,  ‘If I saw my vagina in a mirror, completely detached from my body, would I recognize it as mine?’ Be honest with your answer. You are answering to no one. Not even me.

Whatever the answer might be, Yes or No, I want you to sit or squat, grab a mirror and thoroughly check your vagina. Every part of it. Your clitoris (I’m deeply sorry if you are circumcised), your labias (look like two wrinkled lips), your urethra (where the urine comes from) and your vagina (where you bleed from during periods).

I want you to study the parts intimately without shame or rush. Yes, your vulva (a combination of the clitoris, labia, vagina and urethra) is perfectly normal. No matter what you have seen in the magazines, online, or been through, your vagina is unique to you and beautiful.


There was a time I used to be ashamed of my vulva, I thought it ugly. Growing up, I realized no matter where you go, it is pretty difficult for you to see the vulva of another woman.  The groin, yes.  But if the owner of the vagina does not intentionally want you to see, you can’t see anything. The vulva is not outwardly visible as the penis.

I couldn’t compare my vulva to anyone else’s and see that it was perfectly normal. Even online, you don’t get to see real vagina pictures unless you go to a porn site. I don’t know how I got over the feeling of inadequacy but it got to a point that I simply didn’t care anymore. ‘If it was deformed, no problem, I’d have to live with it that way.’ I told myself.

Then I also had an ex who once told me he hates seeing vaginas. Story for another day.

Woman, you need to know and love the most intimate part of your body. You need to stop waiting for external validation, which is alright and do yourself a great favour.  I want you to book an intimate session with yourself. Where you strip naked in front of a mirror and admire yourself. Touch the parts you like and – touch that parts you feel inadequate and less than ideal.

Run your fingers all over, caress it and see it as the standard for beautiful. Forget about society for a minute. At that moment, you are the only one that matters in the whole universe. Remember all the scars and shed your insecurities. Cry if you have to. Do not stop caressing your body. Do not stop telling yourself you are beautiful.

Go into a trance of loving yourself.

Tell yourself your body is the universal standard for amazing. Your body is a god. Worship it.

Game of 21st Century Thrones – Part 2

By Kunle Ajao 

Game of Thrones in the 21st Century Era. (Another one, because, eh, what gives.  Plus a certain someone asked, and frankly if that someone tells me to help her/him bury a body, I will). Anyway, here we go again. (Note: could get scrubbed midway).

Jon Snow creates the group chat ‘LET’S STAY ALIVE, SOME BADASSES ARE ON THE MARCH’. He adds Tyrion Lannister. Tyrion wonders what this is all about ‘Will there be drinks’ he asks. Jon says no. ‘Will there be girls?’ Snow replies no as well. ‘Turn up no go dey’. Snow says no turn up. Tyrion types ‘Lol, you never ready’ and leaves group.

Snow DMs Tyrion. ‘If you don’t join this group chat, you won’t be alive to enjoy booze and ladies. Plus, after we finish, turn up go show’. Tyrion reluctantly agrees, then proceeds to tell Daenerys Targaryen. Daeny suspends her Linkedin account, in which she puts ‘upcoming queen of Westeros’ in her bio, and focuses on the STAY ALIVE group.

Snow adds Sandor Clegane, Jorah Momont, Beric Dondarrion, and Gendry. Snow messages Gendry, ‘don’t type in that group chat, just observe and back up the chat to google drive, thanks blood’. Snow sends out group link. Samwell Tarly clicks on it. ‘You can’t join the group with current phone, as it’s outdated’. Tarly dumps his ‘iPhone Westeros Library S8’, and tries to get the newest ‘iPhone Winterfell’. I’m trying of reading ‘The achievements of Better Men’, that’s the only E-Book the phone allows’ he tells Gilly.

Snow adds Cersei Lannister to the group. Cersei exits. Snow adds Cersei again. Once again, she leaves. Snow adds Cersei again. Again, exit. Snow adds Cersei again. ‘Do you want to be unfortunate in this life’, Cersei threatens Snow. ‘What my people did to your father and brother are not okay for you abi’. Cersei leaves again.

Snow sends Cersei a video of a member of the army of the dead running wild, a video fact-checked by Dino M… sorry, Qyburn. Cersei finally opts to join the group, so does her brother Jaime. Bronn also joins the group. Bronn sends three different porn videos in the space of six minutes. Snow removes Bronn. ‘This isn’t about living in happiness’ he says. ‘It’s about just living at all’. ‘Nothing in this group other how to stay alive will be tolerated.’ 45 minutes after, Snow sends BC to vote for Daenerys. Cersei leaves group again… and blocks Snow this time. Tyrion DMs Cersei, appeals to her sense of…errrrmmmmm, sipping wine? Cersei rejoins group, and unblocks snow, but then secretly opens another group ‘DON’T PLAY YOURSELF, LET’S RULE THIS LAND’, and adds Euron Greyjoy.

Meanwhile, The Night King opens an online forum for his henchmen, after acquiring a dragon that breathes free Wi-Fi.


Game of 21st Century Thrones

By Kunle Ajao

Game of Thrones in the 21st Century Era (No, this did not come about because I saw Peter Lannister’s Tommy Keys delivery). Anyway, this may be the first of many, the first of one, or I may scrub everything midway when I realise I’m nuts. Here we go.

Ned’s Stark iPhone beeps, email. A message from ‘RobboBaratheonUsurper@gmail.com’: Hey Nedy, what’s up. So, here’s the thing, that weak-ass Jon Arryn met his end, and I need a new wingman in Westeros ASAP. Hit me up if interested’. Ned Stark feels obliged and agrees.

Meanwhile, Ned’s wife, Catelyn, gets a message from her sister Lisa Arryn, Jon’s wife, on Whatsapp ‘dnt play urself in Westeros, I bliv twas d Lannisters dat killed my bae’. Catelyn groans when she sees the notification of the message, ‘this one will abbreviate now’. But after reading through, Catelyn is hell-bent on convincing Ned to move to the capital. ‘That place is over-populated, and they said the traffic there is bad’ Catelyn says. Ned disagrees, pointing that his friend needs him.

Meanwhile, back in Westeros, Cersei and Jaime Lannister, siblings with benefits, worry about what Jon saw them do, or rather who Jon saw them do, before he died. ‘He might have cast us’ a panicky Cersei speaks. ‘Calm your balls, would Robert even believe him sef, ko smart’, a confident Jaime offers reassuring words.

In the North of Winterfell, where everyone knows was the main hub of Robert becoming king, as a result of his spotless integrity, the king himself visits, and meets Ned Stark. They go into that crypt of Winterfell, where Robert sees the statue of Lyanna Stark (designed by a South East ruler, duh!), his bae that should have been but never was. ‘Targaryens are scum!’ Robert curses. ‘Amen to that’, Ned agrees.

Anyway, things happen, Ned agrees to be the wingman, his daughter Sansa is excited to marry the prince, Joffrey, because despite how toxic the marriage will be, no matter how unbearable it gets, the main aim of a woman is to get married before she reaches 16, or else wetin she gain.

Also, Cersei and Jaime can’t keep it in their tights. Konji is a bastard, they say, and are caught by Bran Stark getting their act at the top floor of a building. Jaime pushes Bran off the building, and of course, in victim-blaming style, it’s Bran’s fault, how dare he climb up to a place where two people are doing something they clearly shouldn’t be doing?

TO BE CONTINUED… or hopefully not.

Book Review: THE FISHERMEN by Chigozie Obioma.

"The Zyzah"

Title: The Fishermen

Author: Chigozie Obioma

Publisher: Cassava Republic Press

Year: 2015

Category: Fiction

ISBN: 978-978-950-663-7


When I dropped this book, the first realization I had is that I won’t forget this story, perhaps when I become 90 or 130 when I’ve long forgotten the title of this book. I won’t be sure if I read this story in a book or the story actually really happened in my face. He did it, very descriptive (in some cases, over descriptive) he made me imagine each scene, each setting until it felt like a memory I had once lose came back to me.

I got the same overwhelming feeling I had while reading Stay With Me by Ayobami Adebayo. Just like her, he dug into me and made emotions float in my throat, through my fingers, in my stomach, in my eyes.

He is a great storyteller, to be honest. ♥

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It’s a Man’s World – II

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Check the previous post for the first episode.
Due to the physical strength difference, nature built the platform on which gender roles thrived. Men handled the back-breaking tasks such as hunting, farming, building etc while women handled the easy ones. Cooking, washing and gathering of farm produce fit in this regard.

As it turned out, the back breaking tasks were the decisive tasks. They were tasks that mattered most to the survival of the human race. This effortlessly shot men into leadership positions that determined how the societies were ruled.

It only makes sense that he who contributes more and takes greater risks is given the louder voice. Majority of the women could not farm, hunt or build, therefore they were at disadvantage to lead the homes, and community.

Much thought wasn’t given to the fact that stronger muscles doesn’t equate brighter brains, or the thought was spared because the thrill of having the other gender under perpetual servitude tickled fancies.

It is worthy to note that these ideologies were not enforced by men upon women. Women saw how things were going, they recognized the physical disadvantage they had and also declared themselves inferior to men.

Men initiated Feminism. Before you bite off my head, continue reading.

Have you ever given much thought to if women in the ancient days dared revolt? Yes, some of them did. But the results of the revolt could not have been sustainable that’s why majority of the revolts are not notable. The only chances women had to prove their equality was through physical activities, which majority would have failed woefully.

The advent of technology spurred and assisted the women equality movement. Technology was invented and dominated by men. Technology brought about the revelation that brainpower is superior to physical power. Voila! Here was an excellent opportunity for women to prove themselves to be just as strong as the menfolk. This single revelation gave women all the power they needed to demand their rights as equal citizens.

Technology created a level playing ground for men and women because, even if we are to judge just by physical strength in today’s world, men will override women in numbers.

If you check the statistics of the fields where women have thrived in today’s world, you will notice that they are fields that require intelligence.

In today’s equal rights world, check the ratio of women to men interested in joining the army, or wanting to be labourers or any other occupation that requires a great deal of physical strength and see how low the numbers are.

If women are now allowed to join whatever profession or field they please, why are they tilting towards just the fields of intelligence? Can you see how feminism rode on the back of technology, technology in the first place being invented by men.

I want you to come through this journey with me, without losing interest or focus so in coming episodes, we will discuss how feminism became a thriving movement, its benefits to the economy and what lies ahead.

It’s a Man’s World – I

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The discussions and arguments of men vs women will go on till the end of time, hence, it will be shallow to only use a thousand words to address. Therefore, I will endeavor to go deeper and do a series, to pass across the message I want to.

It has taken me years of experience to realize this and it breaks my heart so to say it but – It’s a man’s world. I am a feminist but sometimes, you need to reflect on what you believe in and wonder if it will stand the test of time.

Right from the creation of humans, the world has tilted to the male gender than the female. I have had arguments with few people recently trying to justify why this was so. My major point was: patriarchy had good intentions because it discovered men were physically stronger than women, therefore the stronger gender needed to protect the strong.

Physical strength was the focal point of power then therefore it was imperative that men were ranked higher than women. Men went to wars, men built towns, men tried to make the world a better place for women. But as every action or movement championed by humans get flawed because humans are flawed, some people took patriarchy to the extreme and the extreme version reigned over the years.

Women have risen and demanded that their voices matter just as the men, and they are not subservient to men. Times have changed and are changing and women are now rubbing shoulders with men except in some cases where extreme patriarchy is still deep-rooted. Women are leading and running nations.

But the bitter truth is still that- It is a man’s world. Men still dominate almost all the important sectors and this isn’t because it was handed to them on a platter of gold, they actually worked for it.

Now look deeply at this, men do not have so much natural distractions, men do not have their emotions running all over the place. Men do not have the burden of tending to a million things all at once, men do not have to strive to be good in both their homes and career. Men are not burdened with the thoughts of proving anything to the society, men can just be. Therefore, men can be more productive than women. See why I said nature favoured men over women right from inception?

Let me take a few jumps forward. I was still on the roads of Lagos as at 10:30pm last night. And from Lekki to Obalende, to CMS to Ojuelegba to Mushin, the number of men on the streets at that time outnumbered women 20:1. Ponder on that scenario. Ponder on that statistic.

In the second episode, I will take a few jumps backward and explain why it is less than 200years since the feminist movement started and the flaws are already outshining the benefits, this simply spells – doom.